Relapse Journey

Day 53: Reflecting on Mother’s Day

Pre-B, ALL Relapse day 53.

A reflective mother’s day piece:

My family rallied together yesterday to give me an awesome Mother’s day luncheon in our current home, RCH. It did make me feel grateful for the love & support I have. I do feel so blessed. 💚💙

But it didn’t alleviate the inevitable pain for Olivia & I as we both knew that all good things must come to an end. She knew it & so did I. 😢

So by 4pm yesterday afternoon when “THAT MOMENT” arrived, my Olivia became so distressed. She begged Aunty 4 not to take her home yet. I tried to console her, so I suggested going to the playground downstairs (to buy us some 💔 time.

I had walked with her to the green lifts, Olivia crying uncontrollably into my hip. I held her tight, telling her “Tomorrow will come in no time. You will go to bed, then be up, ready to visit mum & onechan again”. That didn’t cut it. She wanted her mum.

I have only had 4 nights home since our relapse journey begun. This doesn’t get any easier.

In the lift she stood next to me-afraid aunty 4 would grab her to go home. 😢 She said quietly to me between sobs as we travelled down the lift, ” But I want you to come home with me! Today is Saturday, tomorrow Sunday. Then Monday will come & I won’t be able to see you until Friday”.

My heart already broken & bleeding from watching my beautiful Sakura/Bella go through her 2nd journey-enduring so much pain -just collapsed onto the floor of the lift. How does one scrape the Hb, platelets, white cells, blast cells from the floor? We breath counts. Any parent travelling this journey will know exactly what I mean. 😢

It took all my will power not to burst into tears-I needed to stay strong for her. But honestly, deep inside I had curled into a foetal position. Hurting for her. For us.

We both ran onto the playground. Olivia said, “Mummy, I want us to play for 500 minutes”. I told her 10 mins darling, ma tu 4, is waiting. ”

So we played on the see-saw, snake balance beam & climbing frame.

Then my mobile rang. Aunty 4 said, “Look Vanie. Just let her stay. Make sure she has a nap b4 Ma 3 picks her up @ 7pm to go home. ”

I knew my sister who often has to play bad cop so that we can actually manage the “tricky situations surrounding behaviour etc for Olivia, had to break down her walls today. She could see in plain light how difficult it was for Olivia & I to part.

This was our hearts breaking. Yes in all its glory. F*** you cancer. 😨😬😠😡😈👹👿

We might be separated & broken by circumstance, but not through choice. You will not break our life bond!

Olivia & I spent the afternoon snuggled up on my green couch. I slept for an hour whilst she watched Peppa Pig. She kissed & held my hand, just so thankful for this opportunity & extra time to spend one-on-one time with mumma.

Then it was time to go. She cried & screamed all the pain & trauma the past 52 days stood for, in her little wounded heart.

It wasn’t fair. So in true Olivia style, she locked herself in Bella’s bathroom.😂😂😂

I begged her to open the door. She said, “Not unless you come home with me!”.

“I can’t darling”. Tonight Bella had Erwinia (chemo drug) known to cause nephrotoxicity to Bella. Tonight was her 3rd of 6 doses.

Hospital life hack: I told my sister I knew how to unlock the door. I asked for a 5 cent piece. I turned the lock. It opened.

Her face-registered shock & surprise! She didn’t think I could open the door!

I calmly said to her, ” You can’t sleep in here all night & Bella needs to go to the toilet too”.. I think she would have slept in there, being the determined little being she is. 😂😂😂

I picked her up & she screamed louder. I told her I would walk downstairs with her.

So we walked hand in hand, out the Kookaburra corridor. Olivia crying for BOTH of us. We were deeply saddened because we had no control over our hearts desire-to want & need eachother like the air one breaths. We missed one another so deeply.

We took the lift & walked down to the revolving front door entrance of RCH. There, ma 3 & my mum had to grab her gently to coerce her to their waiting car.

This is our journey. My hope is that whatever hardship Olivia endures now, it will make her one resilient adult. I don’t won’t her to become bitter from resenting this journey. Of always being placed in the back seat. I hope she knows that I place both her & Bella on the same exact starting line in my heart. How they choose to live their life -I will love & cherish them no matter what.

I am already so proud of the little human beings they have already become.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

Team Bella: Never give up! 💚💙💛💜

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